Hot Cuppa Joe
We can’t be too sure exactly what stage of the end times we’re in, but the days leading up to the 2020 election feel reminiscent of the boat ride through the tunnel of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Warped images of newsreel and debate footage assaults our eyeballs as we pray for rest, voices shout out sporadically from the mist. We are in a boat going somewhere quickly, unconscious of direction, and forced to surrender to the chaos.
Throughout the last year liberals everywhere have had their (largely) preferred candidates stripped away one by one until we were left in the custody of grandpa Joe. As the campaigns wear on we’ve been made aware of the mounting mental and behavioral defects in our fearless would-be leader, and it’s become increasingly difficult to not tear clumps of hair from our heads and curse the heavens for imbuing us with such decrepit candidates.
Let’s first pay homage to simpler times, when Biden was somewhat of a puppy dog figure within white house memes during the Obama administration. This may help us reconcile with the reality of our candidates failing cognitive abilities, and finally acknowledge the need to cast our pride to the wayside and back grandpa Joe in spite of it all.
Joe-bama
Picture this: the scene is 2016, a spring of silly bromance memes trickle into the internet space highlighting the relationship between a widely admired president and his likeable VP. A photo of a young attractive Biden circulates around the internet. All is light, all is fun. Leslie Knope of Parks and Rec has a crush on aging Biden warranting an entire episode featuring the man himself. *Sigh* How times have changed! Let us reminisce on the moments in which Biden and Obama prepared to leave the white house, just before the Trump storm was to touch down, terrifying the entire world in its wake.
Serving Up Some Sloppy Joe
We’ve all been witness to some of Joe’s televised moments in which sentences seemed to elude him. While at this point, as a nation, we’re quite accustomed to consuming utter nonsense from our country’s leader, Joe brings a more wistful approach to the bastardization of public speaking. He reminds one of a grandpa sitting in a rocking chair, too tired to be bothered with producing the right words. Instead he offers you a feeble smile, dismisses the moment with the wave of a hand and asks if he can get a refill of grandma’s lemonade.
Although most of his blunders have been largely attributed to a declining mental state, some have included blatantly racist comments slipping out with a frightening ease.
Creepy Joe
Whatever mixture of dementia and pedophilic behavior Joe happens to be exhibiting at any given time, he seems to have opted out of social norms and taken matters into his own hands (literally). Throughout his campaigning Joe seems to regularly sniff women or children’s hair. He’s kissed random children and made questionable statements about his own female family members. Maybe he really is the perfect candidate to pull votes from the Trump base.
The First Debate
The September 2020 Presidential debate had onlookers everywhere in absolute shock as a Jerry Springer-esque performance unfolded between the candidates. Trump chose to battle with the moderator rather than his opponent, as Biden mustered every visible drop of effort and medication to smile blankly into the cameras.
Begrudgingly Joe
Americans are now faced with two of the most chaotic, problematic, logic defying candidates in the recent memory of anyone living. We sit looking around at each other for answers, watching aghast as our puppet show facade of a political system catches fire and burns before our very eyes. Even the candidates themselves appear to be melting as if left too close to an open flame. As expressed by frantic TikTokers and dumbfounded adults alike, one can only face this upcoming election with a churning stomach and light sheet of perspiration. While Joe isn’t even close to the hero we’d envisioned to pull us out of this dystopian nightmare, perhaps he can at least do some babysitting while we nurse our wounds and begin to heal.